Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
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H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
happy friday
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*