My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
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A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.