Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
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If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin