wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
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Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
I can’t deal with men any longer
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!