Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
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In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
I love you to the refrigerator and back
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.