Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
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Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
men, we mow at sunrise.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Mission: Impossible