Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
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Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
I’m not wrong
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor