Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
You Might Also Like
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
This is amazing.
Spring cleaning checklist…
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?