Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
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My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?