What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
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Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Noah was an idiot.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Body by Oreos
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
I missed you with all my darts
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening