At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
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(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.