Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
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If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
PLEASE READ
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Sheep
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU