There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
You Might Also Like
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker