All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
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Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.