When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
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INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
when you order from DoorDastardly
[on my way back to the posting caves]
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok