Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
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I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun