Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
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Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
synchronized noseblowing
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.