the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
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“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing