I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
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Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
iâm âmy bladder is my alarm clockâ years old.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling âProudly Pro-Liceâ bumper stickers at a steep discount.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
đ¤Łđ¤Łđ¤Łđ Easy assemble?
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
I am officially off the marketđđđđđ
What the hell happened here.
âWill I live, doctor?â
âDid you post your diagnosis on Facebook?â
âYes.â
âHow many likes?â
âSix.â
âSent prayers?â
âFour.â
âYouâre a goner.â
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
I just yelled âWAKE UP,â to which my 4 year old responded âWHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,â so no one question my parenting ever again.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume theyâve found a way to add more cheese.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van