A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
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Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Wait for it
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary