I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
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Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
That’s incredible! 👌
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.