“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
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I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!