I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
You Might Also Like
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.