why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
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your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.