I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
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Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
#dnd #ttrpg
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?