Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
You Might Also Like
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Stop making fast and furious movies.
doing your own taxes
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.