I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
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People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
😂 amazing answer
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good