I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
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I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny