If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
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Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
This kid will have a bright future.