I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
You Might Also Like
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.