I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
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When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.