I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
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*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
accurate
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL