doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
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I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Saw your ex at the shops
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?