75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
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A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”