If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
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Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.