People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
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*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.