CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
You Might Also Like
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
honestly, i need both:
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!