I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
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Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
I have a new favorite meme page
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
thinking about a very short hotdog
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.