“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
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Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.