I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
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My Sentiments Exactly
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.