Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
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When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
I am, perchance
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
These work great until they don’t.