As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
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The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
I hope this email finds you in a well
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.