Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
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It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.