I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
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You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Mad Max Arctic Road
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.