What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
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The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”