I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
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The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.