Yes
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I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.