me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
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My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours