Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
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[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.