“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
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[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?